Friday, October 04, 2013

The first and only chat session I have ever had on the internet.

Sometimes when I’m being sarcastic, it comes out sounding like I hate everyone in the world. And that upsets me. It really, really does. So instead of confusing people with a long, sad rant about how I have to dumb down everything I say in case one of the half dozen easily-offended morons who I come in contact with occasionally end up reading this (If you’re reading this, you aren’t one of them), I’m going to copy and paste the first and only chat session I have ever had with anyone, ever.
I find much of my existence intolerable. To me, phone calls are harassment, people who spit on the sidewalk are terrorists, and hot weather is some kind of ecological scumfuckery I haven’t fully figured out yet because it’s too hot to think and I want to fire off angry emails at Cecily Tynan. So it is with me. Every time there is not something going on that causes me horrible discomfort, I am pleasantly surprised and actually quite happy.
But now, since when I logged into Yahoo this morning my settings were set to accept random chat sessions from total strangers, I find myself with my head down, weeping silently.
Thus, my day began…

flirty.flirts154:‎ hey there xoxo
Me:‎ Hello?
flirty.flirts154:‎ heya there , cutie!
Me:‎ Hello?
flirty.flirts154:‎ im not stalking hehe I just like talking to people online ;) esp thru webcam… do u webcam?
Me:‎ Are you the nurse?
flirty.flirts154:‎ ah ok :) are u on any dating sites?
Me:‎ No, I’m 87 years old.
flirty.flirts154:‎ I wanted to join adult friend finder but they charge to much! so I use crushcams instead, have you heard of it?
Me:‎ I can’t even operate my coffee maker.
flirty.flirts154:‎ my private profile is , and if u click Accept Invite on the bottom left it’ll let u see me live on full screen :p
Me:‎ Is that you on my television doing the weather? Why is it going to rain? I have to go to the pharmacy.
flirty.flirts154:‎  ;)
Me:‎ If my diaper gets wet I’m calling the library.
flirty.flirts154:‎ mhhm nice and wet lol
Me:‎ I sleep in a chair. Are you the nurse?
flirty.flirts154:‎ ok after you join you just click the login now button and make a Username for our chat ;) just complete the join page so we can cam there, I’m gonna sign off of this msger in a second
Me:‎ I remember you from the television. You’re that young weather girl. Shouldn’t you be in school?
flirty.flirts154:‎  ;)
Me:‎ I have milk in my refrigerator older than you.
flirty.flirts154:‎ well, i have a fetish for bein on camera :p it’s a naughty fetish I know but im a naughty gurl lol
Me:‎ But the refrigerator is broken.
Me:‎ Don’t open it.
flirty.flirts154:‎ its free with my membership, im a vip on there haha! i jus love to show my pussy online, and i can squirt lol, have u ever seen a girl squirt? ;)
Me:‎ Stay the hell out of my refrigerator.
flirty.flirts154:‎ mhhm nice and wet lol
Me:‎ My pants smell like bread dough.
flirty.flirts154:‎ take care , cutie! thank u for msging wit me!!
Me:‎ I have to go feed the pigeons. If it rains I’ll get polio.
Me: Polio.
*flirty.flirts154 is no longer available*


Love and Peace said...

I've been making a fool of myself laughing out loud in this cafe after every sentence of this blog post...

Johanna said...

most hilarious. Well done and your voice shines through with humor and humanity. And oh, the humanity.