Tuesday, February 03, 2009

I cut my finger chopping an onion for stew last night. As I lay on the floor screaming in agony, helpless with rage at a world in which such atrocities happen, I received a distress call on my cellular phone. Bravely, I staggered over to the coffee table where my phone lie. I checked the screen.

"How U doin?" from a friend of mine.

I began to weep. Here I am struggling for my life with a horrible finger wound, barely alive from starvation, and at my wits end with the state of the world, and this person wants to have a friendly little chat via text message?

I have three options:

1. Lie. Answer back "I'm fine, and yourself?" This would be ridiculous, because it would open the flood gates to an endless stream of pointless text messages for the entire rest of the night, ending with me wanting to fling myself in front of the 79 bus right there on Snyder Ave.

2. Tell the truth. Explain every banal, humdrum activity that I do for the entire rest of the night via text message. This scenario ends with my head in the oven around 9:00, furiously punching "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP" on the numeric keypad of my phone while trying desperately to die.

3. Don't answer. This one would seem like the obvious choice if it were not for the fact that many people believe that if you don't answer a text message, you are harboring some feelings of hatred or malice towards them.

Let me try to say this without hurting any feelings (and just to clarify, I'm not talking about the three people who actually read this thing, because you guys rule)....

Text messaging is a horrible means of communication. It is okay to call a person even if you have nothing substantial to say. Doing that with a text message is evil, wrong and must be stopped at all costs.