Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Okay, here's something I see quite often, and it's unfortunate because it makes me literally convulse with nausea every time.

A human being walks out their front door, and begins blowing their nose onto the sidewalk. Without a tissue. Just blowing the contents of their nostrils onto the sidewalk.

There is no way I can think of to sufficiently describe how horrifying this is to me. I'd rather rabid elephants with tentacles and antennae take over the world, enslave humanity, and force us all to watch Dr. Phil for hours a day than see people blow streams of snot all over the sidewalks of the city.

What is going on inside your house that makes you have to come outside and do this in front of me? Is it a dust bowl in there?

After 8 hours a day working in an environment where people try not to spread infectuous diseases, I walk outside to see people painting the sidewalks with their mucous.

When did this become something people do? Ever since I was a kid I've taken tissues with me when I left the house. I think most people did. I don't ever remember waiting for the school bus, and seeing another kid emptying his nose all over the street. When did it become acceptable, even common to do such a thing? Did some popular artist write a song about it? Is it an environmental thing? Because if it is, hankies work too. They're washable, dryable and re-usable.

There are literally hundreds of other options out there besides just spraying it all over the ground. Think about it. You manage to hold in your poop! You don't just squat on the sidewalk and crap all over it whenever the urge arises, do you? If you can manage that, there's no reason you can't wait until you find a tissue or a handkerchief.

You can do it, humanity. I have faith in you.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

By far the most horrible thing that has ever happened to me on a subway happened yesterday. I got on at City Hall and took a seat. As I sat down, I felt something squish under me. I immediately stood up and looked down.

To my utter horror, it was a banana.

In part, I blame SEPTA. Why are we paying fares to ride trains on which bananas are kept on the seats? Can’t they have people check the seats for passengers before they sit down? I also blame Mayor Michael Nutter. Honestly, I thought he was going to clean up the corruption in this city. How can he do that when he cannot even clean up a banana under City Hall?

When I got done screaming, I stood with my back to the doors so no one would see the seat of my pants, which looked like I had…. soiled myself. When I got off the subway, I transferred to a bus that was fairly empty and calmed myself down a little. No one will see. No one is looking at my 42 year-old ass anyway.

Naturally, I was wrong about this. The guy who owns the Mexican grocery store around the corner from my house asked “What’s all over your ass?”

I explained about the banana.

“Hey, at least it wasn’t a pineapple!” he said.