Tuesday, December 20, 2005

A few months ago I was having a drink at Anna Marie's, a bar on 7th & Oregon, here in South Philly. People in the bar were dicussing an incident that occurred down the street at the Fireside Tavern. This incident is part of the local folklore, an urban legend - or so I thought. Apparently, someone was beaten into unconsciousness with a large rubber dildo, dragged outside, and beaten some more with the dildo. The first time I heard the story, I asked what I thought were obvious questions: How did the fight start? Were the police called? Why did one of the guys have a large rubber dildo? No one seemed able to answer the questions, so I assumed the story was made up.

Until last night.

On the way home from work, I stopped at Cookie's Tavern on 10th & Oregon. I drank my beer and was watching the news. A few barstools down from me, a fat Italian guy in his early fifties started emptying his pockets onto the bar. He was on his cell phone arguing with someone, pulling a bunch of prescription pill bottles and lining them up on the bar. Finally, he gets very angry and hangs up. Then he turns to me and says "People are always wanting to tell me their problems an I don't wanna hear it!" Then he starts telling me some long story about his wife, his life, and his problems. I tried to ignore him, and he eventually went to the bathroom.

The bartender came over to me and said "Don't mind him. He's nuts. Beat the crap out of a guy with a big rubber dick once."

I said "I heard about that! Over at the Fireside?"

"Yeah, he's kind of a local legend." said the bartender.

When the guy came out of the bathroom, the bartender said to him "See, even this guy heard about how crazy you are, beating a guy with a big rubber dick."

I had to ask: "What the hell was that all about?"

His name was Tony, and he told me his story. "I was in the Fireside and I met this girl. We were talking and kissing a little bit. Then she says ‘I can take a 15 inch cock.’ Well I don’t have a 15 inch cock, y’know? So we get in my car and I drive around to four different sex toy shops! Even one in Jersey! We buy the biggest rubber dick we can find, like a foot-and-a-half long, y’know? Then we go back to the bar to have some more drinks. Hey I gotta get pretty loaded if I’m gonna ram a dildo this big into a woman! So we’re getting ready to leave, gonna go over to my place. Now there’s this guy been getting mouthy all night, just talking shit to people. - I know the guy, he’s a prick. Known him all my life. – he says something to me and I’m like ‘What did you say, you piece a shit?’ He gets up like he’s gonna start something, so I reach in the bag and grab this big rubber dick and start wailin on him with it. I hit him a bunch of times til he was knocked out. The bartender starts yelling at me, so I drag the guy outside. While I’m dragging him, he starts to wake up, y’know? So I start hitting him again out in the street. Cars are driving by honkin their horns, even a cop car drove by, people were laughing their asses off.”

“Later on that night”, he continued “his sister calls me to yell at me for beatin up her brother with a big rubber dick. She said he was all fucked up with big red welts in the shape of a penis all over his face. He couldn’t leave the house for days.”
I thought about shaking the hand of the man who had beaten someone with a giant dildo, but then I thought maybe just buy him a drink instead.